2013 Thus Far

January 21, 2013

January is nearly over and I thought it might be a good time to post to my blog!  The new year has been, well, cold.  We had a really nice weekend and I spent a lot of time in the yard Saturday which made me ready for spring.  Our little town has a new-ish hiking trail and I'm ready to explore that with my man and my girls as soon as we all have another nice day together.

Both of my schools have resumed and I'm managing just fine so far.  I'm really hoping that this semester will be a little easier since we already know we can do this.  I say "we" because it really does require the support of my husband and help from my girls for me to be able to be away two evenings a week and to have time to do my work.  My Wednesday night class, Teaching and Learning for the Master Teacher, is, I think, going to be my favorite so far in the whole program.  It's kind of ironic because even though I'm learning so much that I want to use in my own classroom, I don't really have the time to incorporate it all.  I'm kind of in survival mode most days because everything seems to be so hectic.  Someday...

This is Molly's birthday week.  Friday she officially becomes a teenager and that does not seem possible.  I've shared Molly's story before (more than you want to hear about, I'm sure), but that was a major turning point in my life.  God absolutely has given Molly and me the grace to walk through five surgeries, countless UTIs, hundreds of hours of physical therapy, accidents, learning to catheterize her, learning to flush through her MACE, and just a handful of tearful times of "why me?" 

The "why me" is always there for Molly, and every now and then we just have to take a little time to sit down and have a good cry about it.  I remember the first time she asked me why she has spina bifida.  She was five and had just gotten out of the tub.  I was combing through her wet hair while she sat on the bathroom counter with a towel wrapped around her.  I had to hug her tight for a long time so she wouldn't see my tears while I tried to pull myself together and remember the answer I was prepared to give her.  As a mom, that kills you.  I tried to be all positive -- "This is how God made you," but even at five that pat answer wasn't quite enough.  I still try to explain to her that God has a purpose in this and I always point out to her that she is incredibly blessed.  Most children with SB do not walk without assistance if they walk at all.  Molly understands all of that, but that doesn't mean she has to like it.  My Sunday School ladies and I have focused on praying that Molly will discover who she is in Christ and that she will be comfortable in that and embrace it.

It's hard to be Molly, even without the physical problems she deals with.  For years I have believed that she has a social anxiety disorder.  She is quiet, but her quiet is more than that.  This year she has begun to also express to me that she believes something is wrong.  Four and a half years ago, I asked our PCP to refer her for some testing.  That testing was valuable, but it was cognitive testing for the most part and did not address my real concerns at all.  I've started the process all over again and this time I am not going to stop until we get some answers.  She cannot carry on a conversation with anyone but me.  Really.  School is a nightmare.  My girl has no friends; she has a group who sort of tolerates her presence, but they whisper and share secrets in front of her.  Her phone is never charged -- there's no reason for it to be -- no one is going to text her.  I had hoped that this year was going to be better than the past few have been.  She received three party invitations in the first semester and that is more than the past three years combined.  But, she is still just an observer even in that kind of setting.  Our youth group is kind to her and every one of them would tell you she is sweet and nice, but she is still pretty much an observer and not particularly included socially.

This breaks my heart.  If you know my other daughters, you can imagine that their personalities might make Molly feel even more abnormal.  I am no longer resistant to the idea of her taking an anti-anxiety medication.  Maybe if she had some way of taking the "edge" off, she'd be more comfortable talking to others.  This is also affecting her grade in one class this year as she is not, no way, no how, going to ask a teacher a question.  It's also making me bitter and I do not want to harbor a root of bitterness in my spirit.  She has asked to be homeschooled (I don't think that's the answer); she has expressed some interest in going to a different school (that could be a possible answer).  I'm afraid that Molly's "name" has already been made among her peers and even though I know kids grow up and mature, that will still be a few years away and that's too long to subject my girl to feeling unwanted and unwelcome.

Well, I've gone on more than I meant to about all that, but I needed to process what I've been thinking for a while and writing it out does help.  All of this came up again last Thursday evening when she asked me whether or not I thought she should ask one particular girl who she used to be friends with why she hated her now.  No, I told her not to even bring it up.  If she "hates" you, asking her about it will only give her something to talk about.  I did ask her about a new school and even what about me teaching in a new school so she could start over.  I would do that if I felt it would help.  For now, we'll try starting the testing/doctor process and see where that leads.  If we cross your mind, keep us in your prayers -- Molly for just the whole of the problem and, for me, wisdom and discernment in walking through this.

God has a plan -- I'm sure of that.  One fun thing is that the big girls and I will go to Panama City Beach the first week of June for Souled Out.  Molly was very resistant to my going ("You didn't go with Parker!), but with her medical issues she just cannot go to Florida while I stay in Arkansas.  Maybe she can have some independence in that area in a few years, but for now, Mom tags along :) 

Can hardly stand to have a post without pictures, so here you are!


You Might Also Like


  1. Brought me to tears for sweet Molly who was always my girl when they were so little! Praying for her!!


Popular Posts

Like us on Facebook

Flickr Images